Over time, I have been saying I am not sure I want children.
You know how people have certain expectations of you when you are a Nigerian lady, submissiveness and all that marry on time and give birth thing.
Do you know? yes, that was pretty much my life when I was younger, and it never felt right so, when I discovered feminism it all made sense and I did not feel alone anymore.
There were women that wanted what I want. I was seen, I was heard, I was no longer invisible.
I made a promise to myself to question every action I take; am I doing this because I want to or because I have been told that this is what I must do as a woman?
Childbirth has been one of the things I have been questioning. Why do I want children? Am I ready to have children? Do I really desire to have children?
Having a 9-year-old smart younger brother in the house makes me understand the joy children bring to us and I love him so much and want to feel that.
But I have not actively daydreamed about having children, what clouds my mind most times when I think about them is fear. The world is changing. Paying attention to your children is important and still does not guarantee that they will be happy.
I had a rough childhood; it was also fun. It was a mix of both worlds, but you can agree with me that pain has a way of holding on to our tongue, so we never forget what it tastes like.
This was not my parents’ fault, if there’s one thing they have dedicated their lives to is for us to have an amazing life. It had more to do with kids like me.
The fact that I bring a human being to the world that I am to be responsible for and still not be able to completely protect bothers me, it bothers me a lot.
My love is something, I want to be the shield that’s there for you and protect you from all the hurt in the world. The world is getting scarier.
When I tell my friend Sunkanmi about being unsure with kids, she prays it out of my mouth. Saying things will change as I get older. I don’t know if I want things to change or not.
Will how I love make me a possessive mother? Will I be a bad one? Do I want children not for selfish reasons?
I don’t know the answer to this question, but I know I need to find answers before I make a great commitment like that.