Life Bits

2021 is For Boundaries|How not Setting Boundaries Affected Me

I am very familiar with feeling like one does not belong somewhere, feel like a burden, and not feel safe and seen with people around you.

Because of my past with bullying, depression, and low self-esteem. These emotions are not new to me.

And you know how we become what we would like to see in other people. Or is that my thing?

I didn’t want people around me or people that come across me to feel those things with me. I would much rather they have a pleasant time with me in their lives or being around me.

But like a lot of things, it went unchecked in my life and I became the “fall back friend” and the person even to strangers.

A model on setting boundaries

I cannot deny my warmth, I can’t say I’m not a people person, I am. So, it’s natural for people to be drawn to me. And I love that.

This is also not me saying being a reliable friend is a bad thing. Everyone needs to be reliable.

Stay with me.

Because I didn’t have boundaries, I was carrying other people in my spirit and dragging myself by my side.

Funke

Why setting boundaries was difficult

This was because of my childhood trauma when I’m ready to share more on this. I would.

How not having boundaries affected me

I was not seeing myself anymore

I became so much for people, I was there. But I was not there for myself.

Letting other people down would hunt me

Regardless of how much I tried to be there for people. There were times I could not be and it would make me feel like the worst person in the world. Even if the situation was out of my control.

I felt tiny in my world

I felt alone and not as important as I should feel. It was my life but I was not living for myself as much as I should. I was living for other people.

There is no honor in sacrificial love & not setting boundaries. No one deserves that.

Saying no & standing by it was difficult

This made me find myself in situations that I should not have been in. Saying no to me was “letting someone down” and I didn’t want to be that person.

I noticed my pattern, before then, it was “how I love”, but how we love people can be flawed. It was for me.

Something had to be done about it.

I could no longer continue living my life feeling like I was not in the driver’s seat.

I started journaling, writing down the things I won’t take. Communicating more no matter how difficult it is.

It has been tough, I fell out with an old friend last week because she could not understand that she crossed a boundary I had set.

She was used to the Funke that will just take it all, I’m no longer that person and anyone not willing to act accordingly does not deserve to be in my life.

I know there’s still work to be done and if you’re like me and want to be better with setting boundaries here’s a fun exercise for us to do.

If you are not sure you are good at setting boundaries or indeed have any at all, ask yourself these questions.

  • How often do I worry about what other people think?
  • Do I feel guilty for wanting to do things by myself?
  • When did I last say no to someone?
  • When did I last say yes to something I secretly didn’t want to do?
  • Do I feel like I deserve respect or I have to earn it by being ‘nice’?
  • What are the five rules to being my friend? Do I know them quickly and easily?
  • What are the 10 things I most like to do with my time? Can I quickly come up with them?
  • What are the 10 things I hate doing? Do I even have strong feelings about things?
  • When I think about saying no to someone, do I feel afraid? Or calm inside?

The questions are from Harley therapy blog and here’s their post on boundaries.

I wish you good luck on your journey, Leave a comment if you relate with me and if you’ll like me to share my journey with you.

Till next time,

Your bald baddie,

Funke.

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Kindly share with your friends & followers, I will appreciate that.

Olotu Funke is a baddie keen on existing fully, documenting her journey with Skin Positivity, Mental Health, Personal Style, and the Life in between.

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