Today on Funke’s Diary, I am talking about my great and shitty communication.
Is communicating hard for you because you’re used to not matter in your world that you can’t believe someone wants to listen to what you have to say and how you’re feeling?
I was having a conversation with both my close friends, partners of some sort and we do this thing where review our relationships with each other.
I noticed that with me, one thing I need to work on is my communication.
It’s weird cause on one hand I’m good with communicating, and on the other hand, it feels like I’m doing a shitty job.
I know I’m good with it cause I’m told, I’m told by the same people that I’m good and I have work to do while at it.
So, I started thinking. Why? Mind you, I don’t expect perfection from myself or anyone or at least I like to think I don’t but I know how communicating has made my life easier.
I figured that it’s because they want me to communicate about the little things, the tiny things that I think don’t matter because I’m used to it not mattering to people, I’m used to people walking over my opinions with theirs and being raised in a patriarchy society to get married and please the husband also came with its type of invisibility.
I suck at communicating simple things sometimes, especially emotions that I’m not comfortable with because people step on my words, and people have turned deaf ears when my screams were very loud.
I realized this and I got angry, angry at how I let things slide, angry at how I let people hurt me and get away with it, angry at how I didn’t communicate enough, and angry that when I did, I felt invisible.
At first, I didn’t know why I was angry. Writing this diary entry. I just decided to rant and I see now.
But I want to wash away the anger, it was not my fault, it was not all our faults, all the young women living me, the girl and the child.
Rather than that, I’ll focus on communicating, focus on the people that actually want to hear what I want to say and how I feel, even if it makes me and them feel uncomfortable.
There’s a type of joy that comes with friends loving you enough to let you be very expressive.
To some it might feel like a normal thing – everyone that cares for you should be in your life. It’s not been that way for me so I’m grateful for the rainbows when I see them.
Writing Time is 9:53 pm on the 7th of June, 2021.
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