Life Bits

Let’s Talk About The Standards Of Female Friendships.

Female friendship is a type of relationship that when spoken about is associated with hate, envy, jealousy, and betrayal.

I’ve been to several states and went to about 4 secondary school so I’ve made a lot of “friends” that I’ve had to let go of over time.

There was pain in loosing contacts and realizing there’s nothing to talk about after getting back in contact.

When I was younger I believed girls were bad friends and a girl will be your friend and think low and very bad of you. This was intensified by the “there are no friends because you don’t know who is going to hurt you in the future” I listened but I was such a free spirit that I didn’t pay too much attention

Was there truth in that saying.

Yes but does it harm ones mentality on female friendship? Yes. It’s like trying to be close to this person but still preparing for the worse.

I’m aware that the world is a cruel place but one should be thought about the good and the bad. There are good female friendships.

It’s like dating a man that you believe will cheat anytime. Does it make one more careful around the person? Yes. And it will not make the girl value the relationship as much and can say things friends should not say about each other because this person is probably doing the same.

Our mindset since childhood sets female friendships for failures, where girls do not accept their blames in friendships and just ignore it and let it go because “it was bound to happen”

I’ve had friends I called my sisters (because I don’t have none) and the friendship was ruined. We did not fall out. It was ruined by backbiting and it was not fixed so the friendship was cancelled.

Because there are no standards for good female friendships in the society it’s easy to leave them broken than to work on it. Giving up is always the easier option cause choosing to still be friends will take work.

Have you noticed how a large percentage of women will stand abusive relationships and give their sexual partners a second chance but never their girlfriends?

I believe it’s because of some reasons below

They are deeply hurt that after being vulnerable to their friends they choose to betray them. Women’s friendships are very personal, needed and important. That’s why it irritates me when it’s been compared to men friendships at large. Most men don’t have depth with their friends. They have common interest and that’s enough for them but with women, female friends are like a needed support system. The common interest are not football or weed it’s deeper like abuse, catcalling, appearance, emotional problems, self esteem, family problems and so on.

Females connect with each other on a deeper level; there are certain things the society sees as shameful to women that women are only comfortable with telling each other. Their bodies, sexuality, parenting, pregnancy, abortion, physical and mental abuse, emotional and psychological problems and much more. It’s hard to find men talking about these things because of the irritating masculinity standards.

So when a lady gets to this level of openness with another lady she expects love, respect and that her secret is kept. Most ladies tell their friends what they can’t tell their partners. There’s just that one embarrassing thing that they find impossible to tell their partners about. So when they are betrayed it hurts. I tell you it hurts. It hurts a lot. I’ve been there and it hurts a lot.

It’s very difficult to trust such a person again and the stupid thing is your girl trusted again and when I was let down again. I promised myself to never let any friendship go that deep.

Something I noticed during my grieving moment was that the few people I told were just like get over it or you will get over it. They didn’t think female friendships were so important and deep that it affects you in ways you never imagine, makes you sad and very resentful. It’s like a terrible break up but it’s not treated as such even by me at that time.

They were also not surprised because “every” female friendship was bound to end up like that. Girls can’t be good friends to each other.

I felt a strange way for feeling pain and feeling betrayed. I didn’t understand why I had to feel so bad when I remembered. I didn’t think my feelings were valid and I was probably too emotional.

We hold a lot of painful secrets about one another. In our friendship circle there’s probably a friend from another part of our friends life that we communicate with but not regularly so when the person or someone else informs you that your friend said this behind your back, they make sure you promise not to tell. But if it’s your partner they want a full force attack. See this difference? They think “it’s bound to happen” The standard. And these secrets that we’ve heard about make us resentful of the person, that’s how friendships scatters. If you don’t face a problem and solve it you’ll suffer in silence and it will probably escalate.

I’ve had my share of bad female friendships and I like to think at this stage of my life I have some healthy female friendships. Do I believe in the narrative that girls can’t be good friends to each other? No. Am I saying bad girlfriends are not a thing or should be excused? No

Of course there are good and bad friends because there are good and bad people and when the narrative that girls don’t like each other has been shoved down your throat since childhood a lot of people don’t unlearn that and just end up being what they are trying to avoid.

Betrayal in female friendships are deeper than most friendships between men because so is the relationship.

Almost every girl has had one terrible female friend or someone they fell out with. It’s part of life. People come to teach you lessons and go meet someone to teach them. It’s part of life. It’s not a gender thing. It’s an individual thing.

This narrative is a way to keep women from each other and see other women as competition in every aspect of their lives. It worked in the past and still working but there’s certainly a change. With the rise in the #MeToo , Times up, Women’s march, Slut walk and several other campaigns that women have been doing together it throws a light on the strength of women together as a force. The strength they do not want us to taste cause I tell you once you taste that you love the power it gives and there’s no going back.

Have I been a good friend all my life? No. I’ve messed up but I’ve learnt and I’m ready to be better because female friendships are amazing for sanity, self esteem and overall better life and if It does not work out you’re allowed to cry when you remember at 2am. You’re allowed to feel all the pain you’re feeling. Women are stronger together. I hope you take this from this post. Think and unlearn that female friendships is terrible. Yes girls can be bad to one another but the good ones I tell you give you a type of love that makes you a better woman.

What’s your take on female friendships? I’ll love to hear from you.

Love X Light ladies.

Follow me on Instagram! @OlotuFunke

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Olotu Funke is a baddie keen on existing fully, documenting her journey with Skin Positivity, Mental Health, Personal Style, and the Life in between.

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