Female Development and Style

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Over time, I have been saying I am not sure I want children.

You know how people have certain expectations of you when you are a Nigerian lady, submissiveness and all that marry on time and giver birth thing.

Do you know? yees, that was pretty much my life when I was younger, and it never felt right so, when I discovered feminism it all made sense and I did not feel alone anymore.


Do you know? yees, that was pretty much my life when I was younger, and it never felt right so, when I discovered feminism it all made sense and I did not feel alone anymore.

children


There were women that wanted what I want. I was seen, I was heard, I was no longer invisible.

I made a promise to myself to question every action I take, am I doing this because I want to or because I have been told that this is what I must do as a lady?

Childbirth has been one of the things I have been questioning. Why do I want children? Am I ready to have children? Do I really desire to have children?

Having a 9-year-old smart younger brother in the house makes me understand the joy children bring to us and I love him so much and want to feel that.

children

But I have not actively daydreamed about having children, what clouds my mind most times when I think about them is fear. The world is changing. Paying attention to your children is important and still does not guarantee that they will be happy.

I had a rough childhood; it was also fun. It was a mix of both worlds, but you can agree with me that pain has a way of holding on to our tongue, so we never forget what it tastes like.

This was not my parents’ fault, if there’s one thing they have dedicated their lives to is for us to have an amazing life. It had more to do with kids like me.

The fact that I bring a human being to the world that I am to be responsible for and still not be able to completely protect bothers me, it bothers me a lot.

children


My love is something, I want to be the shield that’s there for you and protect you from all the hurt in the world. The world is getting scarier.

When I tell my friend Sunkanmi about being unsure with kids, she prays it out of my mouth. Saying things will change as I get older. I don’t know if I want things to change or not.


Will how I love make me a possessive mother? Will I be a bad one? Do I want children not for selfish reasons?

I don’t know the answer to this question, but I know I need to find answers before I make a great commitment like that

23 Comments

  • Posted September 21, 2019 6:42 pm
    by Habibat Yusuf

    I don’t even feel like getting married. I don’t think i can deal with the whole patience, endurance and craziness in marriage talkless of having a child that will now come and face all this lifes hardship. I just hope i get to figure out things one day maybe the mentality will change.

    • Posted September 21, 2019 6:45 pm
      by Olotu Funke

      I understand where you’re coming from. It’s all a lot.

      I hope you get more clarity on your decision and know that which ever you’re comfortable with is fine

  • Posted September 21, 2019 7:09 pm
    by Eromonsele Emmanuel

    Kids, they usually say is a blessing.
    During my service year I was opportune to teach in a school and I grew a little closer to children.
    I’ll definitely enjoy having kids but not too many. Also, I want to be free financially before even thinking of kids.

    • Posted September 21, 2019 7:25 pm
      by Olotu Funke

      Yes, being financially capable before having Children is very important.

      Thank you for reading Emmanuel

  • Posted September 21, 2019 11:40 pm
    by Adekunle Writes

    Before now, I made a resolution to have just two children. I’m sure they will turnout to be most sought-after in the positive stance.

    • Posted September 22, 2019 5:50 am
      by Olotu Funke

      I love the confidence 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

  • Posted September 22, 2019 10:24 am
    by Oben Nyne

    Would love to have kids as an extension of the love for myself. Knowing I have little human(s) to nurture and love appeals a great deal to me.
    Cheers girl

    • Posted September 22, 2019 10:27 am
      by Olotu Funke

      That’s sweet, little humans.
      Thank you Oben

  • Posted September 22, 2019 1:19 pm
    by Shuga

    I honestly know where all this is coming from. This is because I’ve been there before. I never even wanted to get married. I’m still not 100% sure either. Just for the same reasons you’ve penned down here as well.

    But my dear, I’d say, don’t even bother yourself about it now. When the time comes, you’ll be all about it and you’d love the experience as well. It’s just not that time yet or anywhere close to it for you. So no matter what anyone says or those now won’t make much impact about it to you. YET when it’s time, trust me, you’ll gradually find yourself and everything about you gravitate towards it naturally.

    Like I said, I’ve been there and it made this article even more relatable.

    All the best, Funke!

    • Posted September 22, 2019 1:21 pm
      by Olotu Funke

      Hmmmmm, Thank you so much Shuga.

      Maybe, i really should not be thinking about it ATM. it’s not yet time.

      I am glad you found this relatable

  • Posted September 23, 2019 6:44 pm
    by Yommie👑

    Life is constantly learning and unlearning, one thing I don’t want is a husband who is just a husband but an active and committed partner which is something society underestimates.

    • Posted September 23, 2019 7:01 pm
      by Olotu Funke

      hnmmmmmm
      preach sis! you are right about that!

  • Posted September 26, 2019 11:52 am
    by Tonye

    Having children is a great responsibility. As a Christian, It’s even greater responsibility for me as I have standards to follow. Before having children, you should be ready to handle it.

    I want to have Children, I’ve prayed about it and I’ve left it all to God.

    I don’t think It’s something you should be worrying about now because you’ll end up judging the situation based on your current state of mind. Just chill babe.

    http://www.theblackwriter.co

    • Posted September 26, 2019 12:19 pm
      by Olotu Funke

      Yes actually, I’m gonna chill. I can’t come and stress myself for now. It’s not on my top 5 to do list.

      Can’t wait to meet your kids, I’ll be a great aunty

  • Posted September 29, 2019 7:20 am
    by Adanna

    For me, I’ve never really gravitated towards the idea of having kids from when I was a young teen. I knew it might not be something I would want , it got worse after losing my sister like how can that even be possible. You have a kid and then you bury them.
    But as I healed, last year the idea started growing on me again. It will be what i want but on my own terms and just 2 biko.
    But I love that we’re having this conversation. Thank you Funke

    • Posted September 29, 2019 7:52 am
      by Olotu Funke

      I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister, must have been so difficult

      I like how open and honest you are. Life on your terms is the only way o

      XX

  • Posted September 29, 2019 8:34 pm
    by Amaka

    Lol, not wanting kids. Oh yes, I had a phase where I was strongly on team I don’t want kids but then I’ve swayed a bit. It’s definitely hard to think and make decisions independently when society has prescribed a certain formula for ‘success’ especially as a female, but God I hope we all find the strength to make decisions that are the absolute best for us, not just because of what others want for us or think we should do. Childbearing and childrearing is certainly not a walk in the park, there’s so many emotions and drastic bodily changes (sometimes) involved. It’s a lifetime commitment! (Closes legs tight)

    • Posted October 1, 2019 7:35 pm
      by Olotu Funke

      Mahn, as if you took the words out of my mouth Amaka. It’s like I don’t want to do this because people expect me to do this and but I have to be sure this makes me happy. I’m sure we will make the right decisions

  • Posted September 29, 2019 10:49 pm
    by Wanshygirl

    Hey Funke. Feels so good to be reading this. I feel like at one point or the other these questions arise. Kids? Marriage? Husbands? Weddings? Do we really want them? Are we truly ready?

    Personally I don’t want to have kids for so many reasons.
    I’ve thought about it over and over and on some days I’m like I’ll have just one and on other days I’m like nahhh can’t deal.

    Anyway I’m not going to stress mostly because I’m not even ready to marry talk less of get pregnant.

    So while it’s great to have a future plan it’s also fine to go with the flow of the present.
    Plus I pray we all find partners that’ll be on the same page with us most especially on this kids thing.

    BTW your friend’s reaction is so typical. My friends think I’m crazy 😂😂😂

    Thanks once again for putting this out there.

    • Posted October 1, 2019 7:37 pm
      by Olotu Funke

      Partners that want what we want!!!!

      You’re right! I think that’s why I’m lowkey trying to make up my mind now but there’s no rush like you said.

      It’s good to let it flow

  • Posted November 18, 2019 12:26 pm
    by Eloviano

    Around this time last year, I realised that I might not want children but I look around me and I wonder how I’ll fight the societal pressure that will eventually arise.

    I’m still uncertain but one thing I’m quite sure of is that I don’t want to go through pregnancy and childbirth so probably 1 non-biological child will do… probably!

    • Posted November 18, 2019 4:11 pm
      by Olotu Funke

      I am proud of thw honesty with

    • Posted November 18, 2019 4:11 pm
      by Olotu Funke

      I am proud of the honesty with yourself

      I hope we all find certainty and peace of mind

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