Are Feminists Fake For Not Proposing To Their Partners?

I was reading one of the most amazing Essay I’ve read that was authored by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie titled Dear Ijeawele, or a Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen suggestions. This book was a letter in response to a friend of Chimamanda who asked how to raise her daughter, Feminist.  I learned so much from this book that I will be breaking down some lessons in upcoming blog posts, today’s focus is on marriage proposals.

Isn’t it odd that in most societies in the world today, women generally cannot propose marriage? Marriage is such a major step in your life, and yet you cannot take charge of it. It depends on a man asking you. So many women are in long-term relationships and want to get married but have to wait for the man to propose- and often this waiting becomes a performance, sometimes unconscious and sometimes not, of marriage worthiness. If we apply Feminism Tool here, it makes no sense that a woman who matters equally has to wait for somebody else to initiate what will be a major life change for her. – Dear Ijeawele, or a Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen suggestions.

This part of the book got me thinking deeply about what it is about; marriage proposals. My mind went back to the video of the lady that got rejected by a man at Shoprite in Lagos and was trending, I don’t know why I remembered but for some reason I did.

It was generally frowned upon that the lady should not have proposed because she was a lady, so women should not go for what they want even if they desperately want it because it makes them look unladylike? Should women continue taking the back seats at the important decisions in their life to look acceptable to the society?

I asked myself, will I propose to a man? Why yes? Why not? Will I leave such important decision in the hands of my partner?

I thought about it deeply and said I don’t think I will propose. Why? Let me explain.

Me choosing not to propose is not because of the way it is perceived in the society but because I choose to be proposed to. Before the marriage proposal, there will be the conversation about marriage, that’s how mine will be and that is what I expect should be the norm.

The conversation assures the couple that they are ready for this and will make it work, I will clearly state that I want to be proposed to and want to be surprised, there’s something about proposals that get me. If I choose to get married that is, I can just continue to admire them from afar. Innit? And if that conversation has happened and my partner is not ready to propose, will I do it? No. if he’s not ready to propose that means he’s not ready for marriage, which translates to me leaving if that is what I want or staying to help him prepare.

Now does this make me less a feminist for not choosing to propose? No!

If I have a girlfriend that wants to propose to her man, will I cheer her up? Absolutely. It’s her choice and she can do what she wants.

While proposing is not my cup of tea, if it’s another sister’s cup of tea’ it is fine by me.

Her choice. Her life

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9 thoughts on “Are Feminists Fake For Not Proposing To Their Partners?

  1. Feminism is not a one way road. It’s different strokes for different folks and thats fine. I don’t think that feminists are fake for not proposing to their partners, it all boiled down to ones personal belief.

  2. Madam Ova Sabi

    I would want to be proposed to, but I have no problem proposing. I believe it’s an individual choice, but I am not one of those that would wait for a man to propose. I think it’s leaving your life up to another individual.
    I also would hate for a man to propose when I’m not ready because it doesn’t matter how many people are there and how romantic, I will turn him down.
    If 2 people really know themselves, they should know when the partner is ready for a proposal and if they don’t know, then they may need to invest more time into understanding the partner.
    The woman that got turned down by her boyfriend in public should not feel bad. I think it still has to do with the Nigerian thing. It takes a secure Nigerian man to accept such a public proposal. As we know most men aren’t secure, especially in the Nigerian society where everyone is constantly askimg the very annoying question, “what would people think”.
    I believe the man felt a hit on his ego. It had nothing to do with his being ready.
    I know that there are a few great Nigerian men that are also feminist, but the majority aren’t. Because of my personal experiences with Nigerian/ African men, I have decided not to even bother dating any. I just don’t have the time or energy to deal with the insecurities, gross lack of knowledge and the unwillingness to change a lot of them come with. And if they are not strong they allow family and societal pressures influence their choices. That’s not to say there are no issues with other men, but I have found that most others are somewhat ahead in the understanding of equality and don’t have such strong societal pressures.
    This is just my personal preference.

    1. I like how you understand these things and also yourself
      Everything you’ve said hit the nail on the head
      Partners that propose when the other is not ready are just something else. It’s a very selfish act. I’ve heard some people say they will accept then back out in private.

      I’m glad you’re taking your stand 💕

  3. I’m all for proposing and being proposed to… Both still have one possible end… Marriage. I do believe in asking for what you want as a woman in terms of things that men are expected to do first. While in school, I asked a dude out on a date through a friend and I got a no but I didn’t take offense from it because while he may be my type of person to be with in terms of looks, I wasn’t his. Turns out he loves the curvy ladies and I was all bones and tomboy.
    Truth is the world is separated into you man me woman and there’s nothing we can do about it because as many feminists keep rising, more women who believe the man is superior are also rising up. So at the end of the day, do what makes you feel great and support the other person who does the opposite because that’s how the world can be better. We accepting other people’s choices without name calling and bashing so long as those choices/opinions aren’t physically or mentally harming anyone.

  4. I definitely don’t think a feminist would be fake for not proposing to their partners. Like the commenters above, it’s all down to your personal preference. Personally, I’d never propose. I guess it’s because of the way I’ve seen things done from childhood, but it’s just too weird to imagine myself doing that. I can ask a guy out, but not propose – it’s definitely something I want the other party to do. Let them know they are ready to take the next step – and I can either say yes or no. That’s another thing we should consider – what happens when the proposal gets a no? I’ve always been curious to see the aftermath. I definitely need to pick up Dear Ijeawale sometime soon.

    Decent post, Funke!

    http://www.mindofamaka.com

    1. Thank youAmaka . I have it and can send to you! And when a proposal gets a no. I think it’s left to the couple to talk about it. Maybe someone was not ready or someone is not ready to get married to this person

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